Barely recovered, I'm shoved right back into the ring again. For yet another round of emotional bashing.
This time, it's my mum's brother checking in. Organs almost drowned out by the copious amounts of accumulated phlegm-fluids, stomach bloated sheltering his failing kidneys and pancreas, arms pricked sore and swollen from all the needle jabs and drips, he is a shuddering figure, writhing beneath his layers of white, sanitized blankets, coughing and wheezing... wheezing and coughing...
This must be some kind of big joke. We must have offended the heavens big time. One after another after another. Perhaps I'm the next in line. I wouldn't be suprised anyway, since between my maternal and paternal families, we've got 99.999% of all the diseases covered. You name it, someone somewhere down our family line has got it. Scary eh. Alrights, I know... I've just frightened off my last potential suitor.
From feeling strong, hopeful and trusting (when we first began fighting), to getting a little frustrated and doubtful (when in the midst of fighting), to experiencing disbelief, anger, confusion and helplessness (when it became clear we were losing the fight), to a final sense of great loss, pain and resignation (when the fight was eventually lost), it had been a highly-charged, unbearably emotional roller-coaster ride, many times over. Only that, I hate roller coasters.
I know... this is an utterly selfish thought with nary a grain of consideration to my surviving loves, but I'm starting to think it's not too bad an idea to pass on while still relatively young and healthy. I would hate to be old, bedridden and disease-savaged and still lie alone in that awful clinical bed, having myself disdainfully scrutinized by mechanical nurses and houseman docs, breathing in recycled disinfected air occasionally contaminated with superbugs, hooked up 24/7 to bulging bags of saline/milk/antibiotics/blood, and burning away precious dollars and cents, all while waiting for Mr Death to come claim his bounty...
Retracing the steps down those jinxed alleys tonight has again been overwhelming, no matter how much one tries to mentally prepare beforehand.
Dear friends, in case I get stricken, and if dad is still around, please tell him I prefer SGH. Thanks, in advance.
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