In reply...

Dear blue moon,

Whether or not you are just a stranger, an acquaintance, a colleague, a good friend or a super 'gam' buddy, thank you for responding for the first time.

I guess, there are some points I'd like to make, lest you think I'm dead set on setting up a Come-Pity-Sunnytears Fan Club. There are many questions you've thrown up in your comment, and perhaps I shall try to address some of them here.

First, I've never thought I am the ONLY one feeling all the misery and isolation in life! I know I am just a watermelon seed on the face of this Earth, which is currently bursting with 6,446,534,062 (and still counting) people at its seams. Definitely my loss and sorrow is peanut bits compared to what others like the african malnourished, the tsunami orphans, the war-crippled, the physically/mentally/visually-challenged, the disease-strickened, the old-abandoned, the young-dying etc etc and etc are going through. Through blogging my pain, I've never, for a millisecond, intended to undermine others'.

Second, what actually am I expecting from people? How long do I still expect them to shower all their attention on me? Do we need to show others our deepest hurt so that we can in return get the comfort and reassurance from them? If you'd kindly allow me to sum up your string of similar-genre questions, you are basically asking me why, exactly 2 mths + 2 days ago I chose to start this blog? Believe it or not, sunnytears was set up to replace my traditional-styled, hard-copy, pen-paper diary. That book was just too painful to be opened, so I thought I'd switched to an online version, as an avenue to document my recovery and my new phase of life, and as a message board to some of my closer pals. It was never set out to be some kind of 'come-sympathise-me' platform, nor a 'rank-my-buddies-depending-on-how-much-they-encourage-me' tool. It was just a personal blog documenting a personal life... just so happens it was started during a period of gloom (but not doom). Simple as that. Period. If people (stranger/friend/buddy) choose to weep along, advise and/or encourage, why say no? You can bet your last dime, I'm also truly hoping that the day when all/most of my blog entries would be real sunshine cheery pieces would come soon.

Third, do I know about other people's hurt? Do I know about their innermost feelings? How do I know that while they are laughing together in a group, a dark corner of their heart is not weeping? How do I know that while I have lost a dear one, another friend of mine have not lost anything? The answer to all the above is, I would not, if they would not want me to. You know, sometimes I see sunnytears as an avenue for me to be weak, to take a rest from the outwardly strong, confident and competent self. This is where I come to terms with my own wounds, hurt, fears, and preoccupations. This is where I remind myself (albeit somewhat feebly) that although I'm currently a lost soul, I need to work to re-establish some direction in life. I started out sharing this blog with a few closer pals, not to overwhelm them with my tiny-storm-in-teacup nor to force them to read and reply to my weepy draggy sob stories, but because I thought they'd like to be given a chance to choose if they wish to be involved and share in my recovery...

Dear blue moon, pardon me but I thought at some points in your comment, you sound like a badly-wounded/misunderstood soul yourself. I used to keep everything to myself too. But I've come to realise that if you do not give yourself a chance to share your hurt, to tell others that you have lost something/someone and that a corner of your heart is now weeping away, then no one will know... and you probably shan't blame them for not knowing what you won't tell. On the same note, it probably isn't quite fair to reproach those who have chosen to do the alternative, and taken the first big scary step to expressing their innermost feelings, abeit through a rather public platform.

Or perhaps... maybe Homo sapiens are indeed wired to only prefer listening to the happy and cheery... Like you said, time will heal all wounds... Would you wait with me?

Then again, if the overwhelming majority do feel, like you, saddled/burdened and agonizingly force-fed with sunnytears' entries, perhaps she should only return when she has overcome her personal, featherweight, sesame seed-like struggle... by herself.