This is surreal... You know, I'm starting to feel like I'm playing two different roles, showing two different sides to two different audiences - those who meet & interact with me physically versus those who learn about my happenings through my blog. And these two camps are probably leaving with different perceptions of my progress in life...
Those whom I meet physically - they see the outward confidence, control, and efficiency despite the episode, and they are convinced I'm coping well and living life again... Those who read my entries - they sense the hurt, pain, fear, helplessness, sian-ness, pessimism, and maybe even frustration that still burns beneath, and they know I'm way behind in my progress report... Many of you are, by now, probably tired of my seemingly endless musing over my loss, leaving just a few patient god/godesses to continue screening through this junk, hoping to discover a moment of genuine spark.
I reveal so much more on this blog, I sometimes wonder if it is fair to those who belong to the 'i-don't-even-know-this-sick-online-blog-exists' camp. At least, they should have an avenue to seek out some answers, right? WRONG. Sometimes, not knowing is better. At least then, they don't feel obliged to write to comfort me. At least then, maybe they'd still harbour a reasonable impression of me.
I am truly sorry for having burdened you, or killed your impression of me. I love you all, strangers or partners. I'm a nobody to most alive, just a responsible, reliable, well-mannered, well-behaved, working machine. But to those of you whom I mean somebody to, thank you for still having faith in me.
5 comments:
hi sunnytears
i started reading your blog only yesterday, and apart from a few obvious facts already revealed in your blog, i wouldn't know you from adam ... er, eve, in your case.
my words here are not meant for comfort, but meant merely to share with you my thoughts. if they comfort along the way, then take them as comfort, accept them as they are, but just remember that they have been written with no intention of pity, or empathy, or sympathy. Just merely to share, and for u to take away with u what u wish to. and for that matter, anyone who is reading this.
first, i'd like to say that i don't believe that there is a single person out there who doesn't wear a mask. most of us carry a number of masks in our bags. one for work, one for family, one for friends, one for strangers. but the real 'us' lies hidden very deep, to be revealed only to those who are able to, who are meant to reach in and see.
very often, the real 'us' is the one that carries the deepest wounds, the pain, the anguish, the loneliness, the desperation. but none of this makes us any less than what we show ourselves to be to the outside world. sure, our work mask and outside mask show togetherness and confidence. but it is the real hidden 'us' that makes us human. real human beings. for what is it that makes us human if it were not for our capacity to feel emotions on a deep, deep level?
that you have chosen to blog your 'hidden' self for strangers like me to read, is for me, a privilege. i get to see and learn about another human being. a real human being, complete with helplessness,fear, pessimism, and hurt.
That you are able to maintain confidence and control outwardly despite everything you are feeling and experiencing, makes me marvel at just how amazing we, as humans, can be. where does that strength come from to carry on? to show the world another side? to experience such a wide range of thoughts, feelings and emotions and still remain standing tall?
i am someone who has battled with much, and have many, many scars to show for it. but to the world, i too, like you, appear confident and in control. sometimes i wish to just throw in the towel, and scream out loud to the whole world "I quit everyone! i can't do this anymore. i'm not in control - the real me is not in control and wants out!" but i end up not doing it. i end up, shaken - very badly shaken, but still on my two feet, standing. it's tiring, it's draining. sometimes all i wish is for someone to just put their arms around me and let all my insides spill out and out and out.
your blog ... the strength you show ... and the courage, the courage to let those around you who know you and know of your blog see ... see the real you ... that's courage, true courage. see, i could never do that. and your blog has helped me see that. and it's your blog that has made me reflect on the fact that we all carry more than one mask, and it's your blog that has made me turn my shaken inner conflicted du-elity into one of wonder and awe of the human race.
and for that, i humbly thank you.
true, there are 'negative' emotions that spiral us downwards if we allow them to, and there are the 'positive' emotions that provide that natural 'high'. it doesn't make one type right, or the other wrong.
sorry, sunnytears, just need to add a bit more.
at the end of the day, it is our choices that make the difference. whether to let the 'negative' human emotions spiral us downwards or acknowledge the 'negative' emotions, honour them for making us who we are, for making us human, and then rising above them. and it does not matter how long it takes, what matters is that the choice taken is on an upward incline of rising above.
difficult, tough, i know. but do-able.
THANK YOU, for your every word.
I just want you to know that you have done more than just left a comment on my blog. At some points, I can almost see myself through you.. and, amazing as it sounds, I do feel more enlightened, understood, and accepted now..
Thank you for sharing... and should you eventually decide to start your own blog, perhaps you'd like to drop sunnytears a note. She'd send over an online bouquet.
well said, well written.. i too feel enlightened by Anonymous' comments...
Some food for thoughts...
迷宫般的城市，让人习惯看相同的景物，走相同的路线，到相同的目的地；习惯让人的生活不再变化。习惯让人有种莫名的安全感，却又有种莫名的寂寞。
而你永远不知道，你的习惯会让你错过什么。
Heyo
Well, you might wanna try what i do .. wear a bit more of your emotions on your sleeve... maybe you won't feel that conflict between your public and blog self so much ... there will always be a gap between our public and private selves but when we take it too seriously, it can wear us down ...
I think I belong to a 3rd category .. hee... someone who interacts with you physically and also reads your blog ... and i think the gap is still not too worrisome ... yet ... : )
Marly
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