jinxed

PUUEEII!!! *SPIT*

Pueii Pueii Pueii Pueii Pueii Pueii Pueii Pueii Pueii.

Almost 4 mths since I last stepped onto its premises, I was there again this afternoon. I had to bring dad to NUH for a check on his facial lesion. This is one place I frequented often ever since my college years, when mum's health began to show signs of trouble. And in the past year too, when grandma fell critically ill... Whether it's the A&E department, the Renal clinic, the ENT clinic, the Skin clinic, the Operating Theatres, the physiotherapy rooms, the social welfare department, the ICUs, the isolation wards, the high-dependency wards, the general wards... the whatever. You name it, I most probably have been to it, and stayed many a nights in it.

Today, me and dad had to walk through the very same alleys that we accompanied mum on her numerous checkups, when she was still mobile, when she was transported on wheelchairs, when she was rushed on stretchers, when she was pushed on hospital beds, and when she was finally laid to rest in the hospital's cold metallic body-box. It's like watching video playback right in front of me all over again. I WANT TO PRESS THAT DAMN STOP BUTTON!! MAKE IT STOP!! But no, it just keeps playing, and playing, and playing some more. Real-time, full-colour. DAMN. PUEII. That place... is jinxed.

After mum's episode, I thought I need not go back there again... at least in the next couple of years when my dad and other relatives are still relatively young and healthy. But hell, never say never. PUEII. JINXED PLACE. SAD PLACE. TERRIBLE PLACE. (TTSH too is a terrible place for me, by the way. my grandad struggled and fought and spent his last days there.. I think, and I know I have a big psycological burden to overcome.)

This afternoon had been equally, if not more, difficult for dad. I can feel his pain exploding through our silence. I can only pray that mum is now at a better place, with much better health, much more happiness, and much less worries. Where and How are you, mama?

The only consolation I got from this afternoon's sickening visit is that dad's facial leison is only a superficial growth, nothing cancerous, nothing permanent.

If not, my already-crumbling world would have crashed today.