birthdays

I used to look forward to birthdays with great excitment, counting down the months, days, hours, minutes, & right down to the seconds with great fevour. Birthdays meant big business, when one would be King or Queen for that 24hrs, with the rest of family and friends as humble servants, willing and eager to accede to every and any of The Royal Highness's whims & fancies. For my family at least, it worked that way, so I never quite understood why some don't give birthdays a hoot... until this year.

Mum's departure has left a mark everywhere. It was excruciating when her birthday came just 2 weeks after her passing, and dad's birthday 2 mths after that. The mood on both occasions was so sombre and sad, it felt like going through the funeral all over again. Like a newly-sharpened knife soundlessly slicing through the defenceless heart once more... first intense pain, then dead numbness.

There were tears glistening in his eye sockets as dad received his birthday gifts of shirts from me this year. He said 'no need lah, don't waste money', but I think he really meant 'no need lah, don't waste money, there's not much meaning anyway'.

Mum's gone, things are changed. Birthdays are just not the same anymore. In place of joy and anticipation, there's deep pain and dread. Sometimes, I wonder if it's a good idea to create so many happy, beautiful memories with people around you. You know, when they are all gone, it is so difficult to move on. I don't know when we'd be strong enough to once again count down to the seconds of birthdays. Maybe... never.

Happy Birthday.