If you belong(ed) to my kaki group at work, I think you'd felt it. You'd probably think I had been super anti-social in the past 2.5 mths, that I had (whether intentionally or not) given all (or most) of you the cold shoulder, that I had been too caught up with work to even say 'hi', that I had been getting all-too-proud of myself and no longer had any desire to hang out with all of you...
True and False. Indeed, I had been feeling anti-social, and to some extent, had little motivation to initiate or participate in your outings, but no, it's not because I was totally absorbed with work, or that I'm becoming Ms Arrogant-Almighty.
I cannot pinpoint the exact day when I started to build this invisible shell around myself, keeping out everyone except family. I remember feeling awkwardly alone, and totally empty even though everyone of you around me was laughing gayly, excitedly planning some activity. I felt totally out of place. And absolutely redundant. Your joy makes little sense to me, just like how my grief is to you. 'Move on, grow up' you say. It applies both ways.
Today, someone walked up and told me to get the hell out of my anti-social mood. Accabadebra! The invisible shell has just grown a few inches thicker and stronger. I've been proven right. None of you really understood me. We had fun together when the sun was out. But when the storm came, I guess it's just down to me and my shell.
Let it pour.
3 comments:
aiyoh ms one, u forgot to eat chewing gum issit??? i can send u more flavours. finish liao can spit out & stick on ur shell - decorative. but soon it may get a little too disgusting to stay in that shell with my chewed-out chewing gums, so pls come out a bit and enjoy the fresh gum-less air before u find ur next shell. doesn't sound like i'm talking sense huh? but it really is something sensible... speaking of which, maybe it's even better if you could lose ur invisible and visible shells (which i hope u still dun have n only i have) at the swimming pool or public gym. work out a bit, will feel better. trust me. dun stress. ur bp shouldn't be higher than mine ok. i'm trying to keep fit (n not kill myself from further bike accidents) for ur sake leh!
U noe I dun write much or keep in touch much or at all. But I juz want to say a few words now.
Be urself. Grieve if u want, cry if u want, isolate urself if u want. Im sure all ur frenz will wait for u when u are ready to be back.
Be safe and healthy. I left out the last word. Hope u rem.
Thanks.
dear pcr, i hope ur pcrs start to work soon. i'd hate to receive u at the airport prematurely. i must admit, i've given ur air-flown chewing gum to paul ttj, don't want to waste it, he definitely will enjoy them more than i do. and i understand ur senseless sense totally. have faith in our wavelengths. and lastly, everytime u get onto ur bike, just know that ur every fall or near-miss-collision-with-car equates to a 100mmHg spike in my bld pressure.
dear sj, frankly, i feel very comforted to hear from u. we have shared so much during those days, i'd hate to think it's all gone now. thanks for dropping a note and showing u still cared. just hope we can keep in slightly more regular touch. well, the last word starts with a 'P', can be 4 letters, and sometimes 7. I will never forget. Hope u won't too.
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