This is surreal... You know, I'm starting to feel like I'm playing two different roles, showing two different sides to two different audiences - those who meet & interact with me physically versus those who learn about my happenings through my blog. And these two camps are probably leaving with different perceptions of my progress in life...
Those whom I meet physically - they see the outward confidence, control, and efficiency despite the episode, and they are convinced I'm coping well and living life again... Those who read my entries - they sense the hurt, pain, fear, helplessness, sian-ness, pessimism, and maybe even frustration that still burns beneath, and they know I'm way behind in my progress report... Many of you are, by now, probably tired of my seemingly endless musing over my loss, leaving just a few patient god/godesses to continue screening through this junk, hoping to discover a moment of genuine spark.
I reveal so much more on this blog, I sometimes wonder if it is fair to those who belong to the 'i-don't-even-know-this-sick-online-blog-exists' camp. At least, they should have an avenue to seek out some answers, right? WRONG. Sometimes, not knowing is better. At least then, they don't feel obliged to write to comfort me. At least then, maybe they'd still harbour a reasonable impression of me.
I am truly sorry for having burdened you, or killed your impression of me. I love you all, strangers or partners. I'm a nobody to most alive, just a responsible, reliable, well-mannered, well-behaved, working machine. But to those of you whom I mean somebody to, thank you for still having faith in me.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Me & My Shell
If you belong(ed) to my kaki group at work, I think you'd felt it. You'd probably think I had been super anti-social in the past 2.5 mths, that I had (whether intentionally or not) given all (or most) of you the cold shoulder, that I had been too caught up with work to even say 'hi', that I had been getting all-too-proud of myself and no longer had any desire to hang out with all of you...
True and False. Indeed, I had been feeling anti-social, and to some extent, had little motivation to initiate or participate in your outings, but no, it's not because I was totally absorbed with work, or that I'm becoming Ms Arrogant-Almighty.
I cannot pinpoint the exact day when I started to build this invisible shell around myself, keeping out everyone except family. I remember feeling awkwardly alone, and totally empty even though everyone of you around me was laughing gayly, excitedly planning some activity. I felt totally out of place. And absolutely redundant. Your joy makes little sense to me, just like how my grief is to you. 'Move on, grow up' you say. It applies both ways.
Today, someone walked up and told me to get the hell out of my anti-social mood. Accabadebra! The invisible shell has just grown a few inches thicker and stronger. I've been proven right. None of you really understood me. We had fun together when the sun was out. But when the storm came, I guess it's just down to me and my shell.
Let it pour.
True and False. Indeed, I had been feeling anti-social, and to some extent, had little motivation to initiate or participate in your outings, but no, it's not because I was totally absorbed with work, or that I'm becoming Ms Arrogant-Almighty.
I cannot pinpoint the exact day when I started to build this invisible shell around myself, keeping out everyone except family. I remember feeling awkwardly alone, and totally empty even though everyone of you around me was laughing gayly, excitedly planning some activity. I felt totally out of place. And absolutely redundant. Your joy makes little sense to me, just like how my grief is to you. 'Move on, grow up' you say. It applies both ways.
Today, someone walked up and told me to get the hell out of my anti-social mood. Accabadebra! The invisible shell has just grown a few inches thicker and stronger. I've been proven right. None of you really understood me. We had fun together when the sun was out. But when the storm came, I guess it's just down to me and my shell.
Let it pour.
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Ahhhhh...chooooOOOO
If I do as much as to sneeze one more time, I'm pretty damn sure my big, fat, oily nose will just fall off and plonk to the floor, shattering into a million, zillion, itsy-bitsy pieces...
Sigh. It's another of my super wheezy-sneezy day. A day when pieces after pieces of tissue paper become drenched with my precious nasal secretions... A day when I can basically do nothing expect slouch in one corner and sneeze till my eyes tear and my ears become blocked. Sigh... AHHHHhhhhhhhh..... cHoooOOOOOOOOO. Sorry, all you million year old trees, I didn't mean to use your processed state so frivolously. Please do not let me be reborn as tissue paper. If you must blame, curse and swear, the target is my big, fat, oily, cold-sensitive nose.
If you are also the owner of a misbehaving, anti-social, immature nose, let me recommend this prescription-only, nasal spray - Flixonase. Good for dust-/cold-sensitve noses. Once a day, two sprays into each nostril first thing in the morning.
Mine ran out some years ago, and I never really felt motivated enough to queue for 2hrs at polyclinics to get a new bottle. Perhaps it's really time to do so now, before that darn thing really falls off.
Bye now. Tissue paper time.
Sigh. It's another of my super wheezy-sneezy day. A day when pieces after pieces of tissue paper become drenched with my precious nasal secretions... A day when I can basically do nothing expect slouch in one corner and sneeze till my eyes tear and my ears become blocked. Sigh... AHHHHhhhhhhhh..... cHoooOOOOOOOOO. Sorry, all you million year old trees, I didn't mean to use your processed state so frivolously. Please do not let me be reborn as tissue paper. If you must blame, curse and swear, the target is my big, fat, oily, cold-sensitive nose.
If you are also the owner of a misbehaving, anti-social, immature nose, let me recommend this prescription-only, nasal spray - Flixonase. Good for dust-/cold-sensitve noses. Once a day, two sprays into each nostril first thing in the morning.
Mine ran out some years ago, and I never really felt motivated enough to queue for 2hrs at polyclinics to get a new bottle. Perhaps it's really time to do so now, before that darn thing really falls off.
Bye now. Tissue paper time.
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Oh, how i love thee....
You know, recently Cupid's arrows hit several of my good buddies.
One got attached to a petite, bubbly, special-education teacher; one got together with a voluptuous, eloquent, ang-moh-pai(3) writer; one just plunged his savings into those grossly-overprized condos with his soon-to-wed beloved; and one's now in foreign land, teetering that buddy-boyfriend line with an older, but highly entertaining and liberal man... Cupid, you must be overdosing on Red Bull. Thank you for working overtime and linking each of my good buddies to their light-of-their-lives. Hey, before you let that smirk of yours spread to the rest of face, pls believe that I seriously mean every word I just typed. No sour grapes here!
But I must admit. Right at the far, black, back corner of my mind, double-locked in some hidden chamber, is an itsy-bitsy, tweeny-weeny thought...... Is there going to be space now for small sunnytears in her dear buddies' lives? In the days, months and years to come, as commitments towards their partners grow, would there still be crazy suprises, all-out roadtrips, late-night calls & icq chats, spontaneous mahjong-prata sleepovers etc etc? On my birthdays, would they still thrust me weird, hand-drawn caricatures on pear-shaped pumpkins; wake me up at midnight & sing me distorted birthday songs; plan elaborate dinner-movie treats on a whim; buy pinky piggy clockies that they know would sit exactly right on my desk; air-mail me some foreign-language card from faraway complete with five sticks of chewing gum...?
Cupid, can u promise not to poison my dear buddies so much that they can no longer see me in future? Alternatively, you can try out your love arrow on ME. =)
Happy Hatchday.
How I Love Thee....
One got attached to a petite, bubbly, special-education teacher; one got together with a voluptuous, eloquent, ang-moh-pai(3) writer; one just plunged his savings into those grossly-overprized condos with his soon-to-wed beloved; and one's now in foreign land, teetering that buddy-boyfriend line with an older, but highly entertaining and liberal man... Cupid, you must be overdosing on Red Bull. Thank you for working overtime and linking each of my good buddies to their light-of-their-lives. Hey, before you let that smirk of yours spread to the rest of face, pls believe that I seriously mean every word I just typed. No sour grapes here!
But I must admit. Right at the far, black, back corner of my mind, double-locked in some hidden chamber, is an itsy-bitsy, tweeny-weeny thought...... Is there going to be space now for small sunnytears in her dear buddies' lives? In the days, months and years to come, as commitments towards their partners grow, would there still be crazy suprises, all-out roadtrips, late-night calls & icq chats, spontaneous mahjong-prata sleepovers etc etc? On my birthdays, would they still thrust me weird, hand-drawn caricatures on pear-shaped pumpkins; wake me up at midnight & sing me distorted birthday songs; plan elaborate dinner-movie treats on a whim; buy pinky piggy clockies that they know would sit exactly right on my desk; air-mail me some foreign-language card from faraway complete with five sticks of chewing gum...?
Cupid, can u promise not to poison my dear buddies so much that they can no longer see me in future? Alternatively, you can try out your love arrow on ME. =)
Happy Hatchday.
How I Love Thee....
Friday, June 24, 2005
frivolous thoughts
Just thinking...
Have you ever indulged in a favorite thing for so much and so long, you suddenly stop and wonder - really, how much is too much?
Have you ever:
- played a favorite song minute after minute?
- bought rice from a favorite stall day after day?
- worn a favorite set of tattered pyjamus night after night?
- requested for a favorite hairstyle month after month?
- searched for a favorite shoe/blouse/skirt design time after time?
- pined for a favorite lost love year after year?
So when does a 'favorite' become a 'hated'? When does a comforting routine become a boring chore? How much is too much?
Hmmm... what frivolous, featherweight thoughts on a hazy, lazy afternoon.
Have you ever indulged in a favorite thing for so much and so long, you suddenly stop and wonder - really, how much is too much?
Have you ever:
- played a favorite song minute after minute?
- bought rice from a favorite stall day after day?
- worn a favorite set of tattered pyjamus night after night?
- requested for a favorite hairstyle month after month?
- searched for a favorite shoe/blouse/skirt design time after time?
- pined for a favorite lost love year after year?
So when does a 'favorite' become a 'hated'? When does a comforting routine become a boring chore? How much is too much?
Hmmm... what frivolous, featherweight thoughts on a hazy, lazy afternoon.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
jinxed
PUUEEII!!! *SPIT*
Pueii Pueii Pueii Pueii Pueii Pueii Pueii Pueii Pueii.
Almost 4 mths since I last stepped onto its premises, I was there again this afternoon. I had to bring dad to NUH for a check on his facial lesion. This is one place I frequented often ever since my college years, when mum's health began to show signs of trouble. And in the past year too, when grandma fell critically ill... Whether it's the A&E department, the Renal clinic, the ENT clinic, the Skin clinic, the Operating Theatres, the physiotherapy rooms, the social welfare department, the ICUs, the isolation wards, the high-dependency wards, the general wards... the whatever. You name it, I most probably have been to it, and stayed many a nights in it.
Today, me and dad had to walk through the very same alleys that we accompanied mum on her numerous checkups, when she was still mobile, when she was transported on wheelchairs, when she was rushed on stretchers, when she was pushed on hospital beds, and when she was finally laid to rest in the hospital's cold metallic body-box. It's like watching video playback right in front of me all over again. I WANT TO PRESS THAT DAMN STOP BUTTON!! MAKE IT STOP!! But no, it just keeps playing, and playing, and playing some more. Real-time, full-colour. DAMN. PUEII. That place... is jinxed.
After mum's episode, I thought I need not go back there again... at least in the next couple of years when my dad and other relatives are still relatively young and healthy. But hell, never say never. PUEII. JINXED PLACE. SAD PLACE. TERRIBLE PLACE. (TTSH too is a terrible place for me, by the way. my grandad struggled and fought and spent his last days there.. I think, and I know I have a big psycological burden to overcome.)
This afternoon had been equally, if not more, difficult for dad. I can feel his pain exploding through our silence. I can only pray that mum is now at a better place, with much better health, much more happiness, and much less worries. Where and How are you, mama?
The only consolation I got from this afternoon's sickening visit is that dad's facial leison is only a superficial growth, nothing cancerous, nothing permanent.
If not, my already-crumbling world would have crashed today.
Pueii Pueii Pueii Pueii Pueii Pueii Pueii Pueii Pueii.
Almost 4 mths since I last stepped onto its premises, I was there again this afternoon. I had to bring dad to NUH for a check on his facial lesion. This is one place I frequented often ever since my college years, when mum's health began to show signs of trouble. And in the past year too, when grandma fell critically ill... Whether it's the A&E department, the Renal clinic, the ENT clinic, the Skin clinic, the Operating Theatres, the physiotherapy rooms, the social welfare department, the ICUs, the isolation wards, the high-dependency wards, the general wards... the whatever. You name it, I most probably have been to it, and stayed many a nights in it.
Today, me and dad had to walk through the very same alleys that we accompanied mum on her numerous checkups, when she was still mobile, when she was transported on wheelchairs, when she was rushed on stretchers, when she was pushed on hospital beds, and when she was finally laid to rest in the hospital's cold metallic body-box. It's like watching video playback right in front of me all over again. I WANT TO PRESS THAT DAMN STOP BUTTON!! MAKE IT STOP!! But no, it just keeps playing, and playing, and playing some more. Real-time, full-colour. DAMN. PUEII. That place... is jinxed.
After mum's episode, I thought I need not go back there again... at least in the next couple of years when my dad and other relatives are still relatively young and healthy. But hell, never say never. PUEII. JINXED PLACE. SAD PLACE. TERRIBLE PLACE. (TTSH too is a terrible place for me, by the way. my grandad struggled and fought and spent his last days there.. I think, and I know I have a big psycological burden to overcome.)
This afternoon had been equally, if not more, difficult for dad. I can feel his pain exploding through our silence. I can only pray that mum is now at a better place, with much better health, much more happiness, and much less worries. Where and How are you, mama?
The only consolation I got from this afternoon's sickening visit is that dad's facial leison is only a superficial growth, nothing cancerous, nothing permanent.
If not, my already-crumbling world would have crashed today.
birthdays
I used to look forward to birthdays with great excitment, counting down the months, days, hours, minutes, & right down to the seconds with great fevour. Birthdays meant big business, when one would be King or Queen for that 24hrs, with the rest of family and friends as humble servants, willing and eager to accede to every and any of The Royal Highness's whims & fancies. For my family at least, it worked that way, so I never quite understood why some don't give birthdays a hoot... until this year.
Mum's departure has left a mark everywhere. It was excruciating when her birthday came just 2 weeks after her passing, and dad's birthday 2 mths after that. The mood on both occasions was so sombre and sad, it felt like going through the funeral all over again. Like a newly-sharpened knife soundlessly slicing through the defenceless heart once more... first intense pain, then dead numbness.
There were tears glistening in his eye sockets as dad received his birthday gifts of shirts from me this year. He said 'no need lah, don't waste money', but I think he really meant 'no need lah, don't waste money, there's not much meaning anyway'.
Mum's gone, things are changed. Birthdays are just not the same anymore. In place of joy and anticipation, there's deep pain and dread. Sometimes, I wonder if it's a good idea to create so many happy, beautiful memories with people around you. You know, when they are all gone, it is so difficult to move on. I don't know when we'd be strong enough to once again count down to the seconds of birthdays. Maybe... never.
Happy Birthday.
Mum's departure has left a mark everywhere. It was excruciating when her birthday came just 2 weeks after her passing, and dad's birthday 2 mths after that. The mood on both occasions was so sombre and sad, it felt like going through the funeral all over again. Like a newly-sharpened knife soundlessly slicing through the defenceless heart once more... first intense pain, then dead numbness.
There were tears glistening in his eye sockets as dad received his birthday gifts of shirts from me this year. He said 'no need lah, don't waste money', but I think he really meant 'no need lah, don't waste money, there's not much meaning anyway'.
Mum's gone, things are changed. Birthdays are just not the same anymore. In place of joy and anticipation, there's deep pain and dread. Sometimes, I wonder if it's a good idea to create so many happy, beautiful memories with people around you. You know, when they are all gone, it is so difficult to move on. I don't know when we'd be strong enough to once again count down to the seconds of birthdays. Maybe... never.
Happy Birthday.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Thanks!
You know, one of the reasons friendships & relationships die is because the magic words 'Thank You' are so under-uttered. It is pathetic the extent to which some people take things for granted. Really, no one owes anyone a living. Nice things (no matter how small) that others do for us are not 'musts', so it is only polite to make an effort to open our jade mouths and say 'Thanks!', whether it is to a mere stranger, a work colleague, a new acquaintance, a best buddy, or a lifetime spouse.
Of course, depending on how soft-hearted one is, the extent of one's tolerance towards prolonged non-appreciation/un-gratefulness would vary, but really, let's not be unfeeling, self-absorbed mortals. Surely it doesn't hurt to show appreciation to those who are important to us. Let's not wait until it's all too late, then start to regret & blame the heavens for all the missed chances to express gratitude.
Thank YOU, for reading this entry.
Of course, depending on how soft-hearted one is, the extent of one's tolerance towards prolonged non-appreciation/un-gratefulness would vary, but really, let's not be unfeeling, self-absorbed mortals. Surely it doesn't hurt to show appreciation to those who are important to us. Let's not wait until it's all too late, then start to regret & blame the heavens for all the missed chances to express gratitude.
Thank YOU, for reading this entry.
Monday, June 20, 2005
melaka bonding
The past weekend, I should have been in KL, slogging in dad's office, cursing as I sweat over stacks of incomprehensible work... But thankfully, an 'always-oh-so-full-of-initiative' uncle called and there we were, one 'vanful' of uncles and aunties, with dad & I, all on our 2.5hr journey to magnificant Melaka, for a 2D1N adventure. Yeah, I know, it seems like I'm overdosing myself on family bonding this break. But really, I enjoyed every second of it.
I must confess. I have sinned. BIG BIG TIME. Said earlier I'd check into a nunnery and go vegetarian for some days, but hell... no. In Melaka, there's no place for nuns. There's only chicken rice balls, nonya assam fish curries, sweet-and-sour vinegar fried prawns, belecan kangkong, soft tender satays, ice-cold coconuty chendols, rich creamy durians, fragrant tao sah piahs all around... It's Ready, Get Set, Go from the minute we set foot on Melaka soil!
I promise I promise. From tomorrow onwards,
1) I'd watch my diet - it'd be plain old simple teochew muey for some days to come.
2) I'd work hard - it's now down to the last precious week to clear all stuff before big black hell breaks loose again.
This break has been good. I've done everything except work. =). If ma's around, it'd have been purr..fect, with a capital P.
Alright, take care dears, half of 2005 has just passed us by.
I must confess. I have sinned. BIG BIG TIME. Said earlier I'd check into a nunnery and go vegetarian for some days, but hell... no. In Melaka, there's no place for nuns. There's only chicken rice balls, nonya assam fish curries, sweet-and-sour vinegar fried prawns, belecan kangkong, soft tender satays, ice-cold coconuty chendols, rich creamy durians, fragrant tao sah piahs all around... It's Ready, Get Set, Go from the minute we set foot on Melaka soil!
I promise I promise. From tomorrow onwards,
1) I'd watch my diet - it'd be plain old simple teochew muey for some days to come.
2) I'd work hard - it's now down to the last precious week to clear all stuff before big black hell breaks loose again.
This break has been good. I've done everything except work. =). If ma's around, it'd have been purr..fect, with a capital P.
Alright, take care dears, half of 2005 has just passed us by.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
welcome to the 21st century
Call me old-fashioned... but nowadays, the degree of flesh exposure & of public groping amongst our youths, i feel, is enough to send at-risk patients into hyperventilation bouts. More of us should learn first-aid.
Flip open the newspapers, and you'd read about sarong-party-girl-bloggers posting nude pictures of themselves on their red-hot blogs, complete with detailed accounts of their lascivious sexual escapades, you'd also see curvy Ericia & Maia sprawled on floors with their awe-inducing mammary glands (almost) spewing out of their itsy-bitsy whimsy bikinis... Stroll down the streets, and you'd have your paths cut by youngsters wearing jeans so low you'd see their butt-cracks, & tops so short and tight they look constipated in them... Ride public transport, and you'd be presented with no-intermission, live R-21 demonstrations of public groping played out with hot-blooded passion...
Don't misunderstand. I'm no fuddy-duddy, square-minded, big-time nerd who reside in the mountains 364.999 days a year. Yes, I do understand that times are changing and we, as an open & globalised & developed society, should welcome diversity, celebrate self-expression, encourage freedom of choice & yadder yadder blabber blabber....
But give me some private space anytime. Don't scream SEX in my face. Perhaps... i DO belong to the mountains.
Flip open the newspapers, and you'd read about sarong-party-girl-bloggers posting nude pictures of themselves on their red-hot blogs, complete with detailed accounts of their lascivious sexual escapades, you'd also see curvy Ericia & Maia sprawled on floors with their awe-inducing mammary glands (almost) spewing out of their itsy-bitsy whimsy bikinis... Stroll down the streets, and you'd have your paths cut by youngsters wearing jeans so low you'd see their butt-cracks, & tops so short and tight they look constipated in them... Ride public transport, and you'd be presented with no-intermission, live R-21 demonstrations of public groping played out with hot-blooded passion...
Don't misunderstand. I'm no fuddy-duddy, square-minded, big-time nerd who reside in the mountains 364.999 days a year. Yes, I do understand that times are changing and we, as an open & globalised & developed society, should welcome diversity, celebrate self-expression, encourage freedom of choice & yadder yadder blabber blabber....
But give me some private space anytime. Don't scream SEX in my face. Perhaps... i DO belong to the mountains.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
No more food
I'm a true-blue singaporean who lives to eat. Some live to shop. But hell no, i belong to the latter cult.
I must confess... if i shove one more spoonful of rendang chicken into my mouth, i think my heart will screech to an immediate stop. All that layers of blubber and slabs of hardened cholestrol deposited around my fragile organs and arteries are pleading with me to stop... No More Food please. Enough curries, pratas, bbq chicken wings, fried oyster omelettes, & coffee pork ribs to last a lifetime. I don't want ambulances rushing to my humble abode in the dead of the night.
Too much rich food in this continuous span of 2 weeks. I'm ready to check into a nunnery for some simple vegetarian fare. For the sake of my papa, & the 3 pretty pastel t-shirts I just bought, I must watch what goes into my mouth. At least for the next few hours...
I must confess... if i shove one more spoonful of rendang chicken into my mouth, i think my heart will screech to an immediate stop. All that layers of blubber and slabs of hardened cholestrol deposited around my fragile organs and arteries are pleading with me to stop... No More Food please. Enough curries, pratas, bbq chicken wings, fried oyster omelettes, & coffee pork ribs to last a lifetime. I don't want ambulances rushing to my humble abode in the dead of the night.
Too much rich food in this continuous span of 2 weeks. I'm ready to check into a nunnery for some simple vegetarian fare. For the sake of my papa, & the 3 pretty pastel t-shirts I just bought, I must watch what goes into my mouth. At least for the next few hours...
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Introducing... The Sri Lanka Adventure!
Okay, it's SHOWTIME! After one whole long night of downloading & captioning, with tired eyes & brain working overtime, my 5D3N Sri Lanka Adventure pictures are now ready to be unveiled! An eye-boggling array of the final 321 pictures, all ready for your esteemed viewing. =)
Do be warned, view this humungous-but-still-delicious album (cut & paste the link below, NO NEED to sign in) only if you have the time to slowly enjoy & devour. You may want to let it run either as 'Broadband or Dial-up Slideshow'. Bon Appetit!
http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=3m4xhge1.42kivnb1&x=0&y=-2tv47r
p.s. feel free to leave comments if any. If you're planning to make a trip there, you can consider buying me some kopi & roti & I'd pass you the contacts. *wink*
Do be warned, view this humungous-but-still-delicious album (cut & paste the link below, NO NEED to sign in) only if you have the time to slowly enjoy & devour. You may want to let it run either as 'Broadband or Dial-up Slideshow'. Bon Appetit!
http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=3m4xhge1.42kivnb1&x=0&y=-2tv47r
p.s. feel free to leave comments if any. If you're planning to make a trip there, you can consider buying me some kopi & roti & I'd pass you the contacts. *wink*
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
The Return Of Sunnytears
Yaaloow!! I'm back. Missed me yet??
Touched down a few hours ago. Indeed, nothing happened to me. No plane crash (kay, tks for ur prayers), no crying stormy heavens, no anti-social elephants on heat, no complementary-electrode sri lankan man! sigh... but the worst thing is, not enough time for shopping!! sigh to the power of infinity. In case you were hiding in ur shell when yesterday's 9.30pm/10pm/11pm news were on, you'd have heard that there were anti-government riots in Colombo capital yesterday, & many roads were closed, thus severely aggravating the already-dire city jams, leaving me & fellow travellers with just one single 1.5hrs mad sight-seeing/shopping dash in the capital (but our lives are intact, hallelujah).
Anyways, it was a great back-to-the nature, cultural spa indeed. I totally love gg to the areas less-travelled, to reconnect with sane & humane civilization in their seemingly mundane but surely meaningful lives. (pardon me, i realized i'm eating my own words - what with city shopping, then with rural lives... anyways, sunnytears is full of contradiction, so kindly just ignore this blabber blemish)
The next minute when I can think (& type) with a straighter mind, I'd upload & caption the 328 pictures that I took during this 5D4N retreat. Yes, I know I'm crazy. Trigger-happily crazy. But no, my digital camera didn't hang in protest. My batteries didn't crash. Baby, if you must get a digi, get a Panasonic Lumix with its Leica lens. It's so hot it's cool (whose copyrights am I infringing?).
Pics coming up soon. U hang in there. I miss u all.
p.s. & I can't believe I'm more than halfway through my damn break.
Touched down a few hours ago. Indeed, nothing happened to me. No plane crash (kay, tks for ur prayers), no crying stormy heavens, no anti-social elephants on heat, no complementary-electrode sri lankan man! sigh... but the worst thing is, not enough time for shopping!! sigh to the power of infinity. In case you were hiding in ur shell when yesterday's 9.30pm/10pm/11pm news were on, you'd have heard that there were anti-government riots in Colombo capital yesterday, & many roads were closed, thus severely aggravating the already-dire city jams, leaving me & fellow travellers with just one single 1.5hrs mad sight-seeing/shopping dash in the capital (but our lives are intact, hallelujah).
Anyways, it was a great back-to-the nature, cultural spa indeed. I totally love gg to the areas less-travelled, to reconnect with sane & humane civilization in their seemingly mundane but surely meaningful lives. (pardon me, i realized i'm eating my own words - what with city shopping, then with rural lives... anyways, sunnytears is full of contradiction, so kindly just ignore this blabber blemish)
The next minute when I can think (& type) with a straighter mind, I'd upload & caption the 328 pictures that I took during this 5D4N retreat. Yes, I know I'm crazy. Trigger-happily crazy. But no, my digital camera didn't hang in protest. My batteries didn't crash. Baby, if you must get a digi, get a Panasonic Lumix with its Leica lens. It's so hot it's cool (whose copyrights am I infringing?).
Pics coming up soon. U hang in there. I miss u all.
p.s. & I can't believe I'm more than halfway through my damn break.
Friday, June 10, 2005
Up, up & away...
In another 5hrs time, I'd be taking my place amongst the clouds, strapped to my 32" cathay pacific seat, with a cup of apple juice in my hand, blissfully en route to sri lanka.
Wish me luck. May the skies not cry, may the young elephants at elephant orphanage be sociable, may the caved Buddhas be at peace, may the spice gardens & tea plantations be awashed with plentiful harvest, may Colombo city be filled to the brim with enchanting trinklets, AND may my 'complementary electrode' - a handsome, intellectual sri lankan man finally cross my path.
For the coming four days, sunnytears will be away for her much needed retreat. Sorry for any inconvenience caused. May your heart grow fonder with absence. Then again, if she misses you too much, she may very well just sieve out an internet cafe & write.
Till then, ciaos!
p.s. remember, (should anything happen), ah tien has always loved you all.
Wish me luck. May the skies not cry, may the young elephants at elephant orphanage be sociable, may the caved Buddhas be at peace, may the spice gardens & tea plantations be awashed with plentiful harvest, may Colombo city be filled to the brim with enchanting trinklets, AND may my 'complementary electrode' - a handsome, intellectual sri lankan man finally cross my path.
For the coming four days, sunnytears will be away for her much needed retreat. Sorry for any inconvenience caused. May your heart grow fonder with absence. Then again, if she misses you too much, she may very well just sieve out an internet cafe & write.
Till then, ciaos!
p.s. remember, (should anything happen), ah tien has always loved you all.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
dumplings!
It's here again! "Dumplings Festival" as the current post-80s generation call it. But really, its "Duan Wu Jie". Yeah! Yummy, oily, pork-belly + salted egg + chestnut + dried shrimps + mushrooms all tumbled up in a wonderful triangular glob of fragrant sticky glutinous rice!!! Sinfully Out of The World! (especially when washed down with hot chinese tea) =)
I love 'ba zhangs' (glutinous rice dumplings as they are affectionately called), & have tried eating them for breakfast-lunch-dinner all on one day (but beware the accompanying indigestion, unless u drink copious amounts of tea...) Today, there are increasingly different types of 'zhangs'. Previously, there used to be only salted meat zhangs, nonya (sweet meat) zhangs, & gee (blank, or sometimes with red bean paste) zhangs... but now, there's also roast duck zhangs, vegetarian zhangs, mixed bean zhangs, char siew zhangs... weird. Dumplings are becoming like 'baos' & mooncakes... all sorts of flavours, you name it, you get it. Hmmmm... I'd stick to the originals, thank you.
Before we get lost in the world of yummy zhangs, we should probably revisit the root of it all. Who Mister Qu Yuan is, what he does, why people eat zhangs & row dragonboats on the 5th day of 5th lunar month and all.. But I shall not preach here. U go find a secondary 2 chinese textbook & flip. I remember I learnt it then. Provided the Ministry of Education has not scrapped that part out yet... Save Qu Yuan. Save the dumplings.
Happy Duan Wu Jie, everyone! Remember to eat a dumpling & row some boat this sat, 11/6.
I love 'ba zhangs' (glutinous rice dumplings as they are affectionately called), & have tried eating them for breakfast-lunch-dinner all on one day (but beware the accompanying indigestion, unless u drink copious amounts of tea...) Today, there are increasingly different types of 'zhangs'. Previously, there used to be only salted meat zhangs, nonya (sweet meat) zhangs, & gee (blank, or sometimes with red bean paste) zhangs... but now, there's also roast duck zhangs, vegetarian zhangs, mixed bean zhangs, char siew zhangs... weird. Dumplings are becoming like 'baos' & mooncakes... all sorts of flavours, you name it, you get it. Hmmmm... I'd stick to the originals, thank you.
Before we get lost in the world of yummy zhangs, we should probably revisit the root of it all. Who Mister Qu Yuan is, what he does, why people eat zhangs & row dragonboats on the 5th day of 5th lunar month and all.. But I shall not preach here. U go find a secondary 2 chinese textbook & flip. I remember I learnt it then. Provided the Ministry of Education has not scrapped that part out yet... Save Qu Yuan. Save the dumplings.
Happy Duan Wu Jie, everyone! Remember to eat a dumpling & row some boat this sat, 11/6.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
High Voltage
I used to think that a very important (if not most important) criteria in my life partner is that he be steady & reliable, ready to take control when I'm down & out, all blurred out & lost. Don't misunderstand. I still think that a steady & reliable man is a super yummilicious manly man. But I've come to realise/accept now, that before we can even get to knowing how rock-steady each other can be, we've got to first feel the big C - ChEmIStRy.
Chemistry is THE electrifying feeling that zaps people, keeping u totally in sync as u play the mating game, that sends a strangely addictive tingle down ur spine, that makes u inhale at twice the usual rate to keep up with ur a-fluttering heart, that makes u not know whether to sit or to stand or to act busy or to seem relaxed when he's around, that makes u steal sneaky glances at the direction from where his footsteps are resonating, that makes u want to just touch his outer epidermal layer & him to touch urs, however fleeting a moment that physical contact might be... that makes u want/able to predict what he wishes to say or do, & he yours. ChEmIStRy is all of that, & much more. It brings a natural high, the kind of woozy-gooey-floozy high that makes u smile to urself at the most impossible times.
Chemistry. Cannot be artificially created. Cannot be forced. Cannot be nurtured. Either you have it & get zapped by it, or you don't. When the circuit is complete, & the current can run both ways, someone should hang the "Beware - High Voltage" sign. To these people, congratulations, you've cleared the first step, now move on. ATTACK!!
To those who haven't found ur complementary electrode, hang in there, our turn will come. I sure hope so.
Chemistry is THE electrifying feeling that zaps people, keeping u totally in sync as u play the mating game, that sends a strangely addictive tingle down ur spine, that makes u inhale at twice the usual rate to keep up with ur a-fluttering heart, that makes u not know whether to sit or to stand or to act busy or to seem relaxed when he's around, that makes u steal sneaky glances at the direction from where his footsteps are resonating, that makes u want to just touch his outer epidermal layer & him to touch urs, however fleeting a moment that physical contact might be... that makes u want/able to predict what he wishes to say or do, & he yours. ChEmIStRy is all of that, & much more. It brings a natural high, the kind of woozy-gooey-floozy high that makes u smile to urself at the most impossible times.
Chemistry. Cannot be artificially created. Cannot be forced. Cannot be nurtured. Either you have it & get zapped by it, or you don't. When the circuit is complete, & the current can run both ways, someone should hang the "Beware - High Voltage" sign. To these people, congratulations, you've cleared the first step, now move on. ATTACK!!
To those who haven't found ur complementary electrode, hang in there, our turn will come. I sure hope so.
all the knocking & thumping
Alamak... All the knocking & thumping is aggravating my headache to unimaginable extent... It's like slowly being skinned alive. Goodness... Someone go STOP all those construction uncles from their tearing down & building up routine!!! We want NO new buildings, NO fanciful structures, NO high-tech labs, NO NOTHING!!
Just about 150m away, those uncles & their monstrous equipment-cranes are pounding the ground like mad, sending slivers of rock & mushroom-mountains of dust flying here, there & everywhere. Every other millisecond, they'd pound and the whole ground will shiver & shake, and scary tremors will radiate all the way up to the 2nd & even 3rd floor of nearby buildings where I'm now holed up trying to clear work... I'm starting to fear for my life. The only consolation is that I think my insurance covers 'accidental deaths due to building collapse'... Hallelujah.
On top of all the air (dust, rock, soil) & noise (thumping, knocking) pollution, the ultimate icing-on-cake that could possibly come along (& is happening right now) is an over-enthusiastic fellow colleague yakking away on the phone, in super-loud, super-animated & super-fast-speed tones in dialect, trying to be heard amidst all the din. God save the world. I can literally feel the veins by the side of my head furiously throbbing and all ready to burst & spill blood.
Move your a** & get out, you'd say. But I can't. I've got a few more meetings to clear today & so I'm stuck, and can only whine & curse, and curse & whine somemore.
It had better be a superb building. Otherwise, all these suffering would have been in vain.
Just about 150m away, those uncles & their monstrous equipment-cranes are pounding the ground like mad, sending slivers of rock & mushroom-mountains of dust flying here, there & everywhere. Every other millisecond, they'd pound and the whole ground will shiver & shake, and scary tremors will radiate all the way up to the 2nd & even 3rd floor of nearby buildings where I'm now holed up trying to clear work... I'm starting to fear for my life. The only consolation is that I think my insurance covers 'accidental deaths due to building collapse'... Hallelujah.
On top of all the air (dust, rock, soil) & noise (thumping, knocking) pollution, the ultimate icing-on-cake that could possibly come along (& is happening right now) is an over-enthusiastic fellow colleague yakking away on the phone, in super-loud, super-animated & super-fast-speed tones in dialect, trying to be heard amidst all the din. God save the world. I can literally feel the veins by the side of my head furiously throbbing and all ready to burst & spill blood.
Move your a** & get out, you'd say. But I can't. I've got a few more meetings to clear today & so I'm stuck, and can only whine & curse, and curse & whine somemore.
It had better be a superb building. Otherwise, all these suffering would have been in vain.
Monday, June 06, 2005
Thou shalt not fall
Bad inflammed throat. Intermitten cough. A couple big sneezes. Nagging headache. Floaty head. I think i'm toeing that vulnerable thin line between good health & sickness. It's totally up to my will power now. To succumb or not.
This is an occupational hazard. People in our line always "grin" & bear it during term time, tolerate & tahan, then tahan & tolerate somemore. Then when it comes to that time of the year for us to finally take a breather & relax, that's it. White flag up. Bodies shut down. What a let-down.
But thou shalt not fall. How can I? When in 4 days time, I'd be flying to the Land of Sri Lanka, where culture & nature lie in great abundance... =) (p.s. if you want tea leaves, u can leave me a note here. sunnytears-fedex = 1st-class-delivery)
Wish me luck. I've been a good girl. According to the Karma-Vipaka theory, I should be able to overcome this. Amitahba.
This is an occupational hazard. People in our line always "grin" & bear it during term time, tolerate & tahan, then tahan & tolerate somemore. Then when it comes to that time of the year for us to finally take a breather & relax, that's it. White flag up. Bodies shut down. What a let-down.
But thou shalt not fall. How can I? When in 4 days time, I'd be flying to the Land of Sri Lanka, where culture & nature lie in great abundance... =) (p.s. if you want tea leaves, u can leave me a note here. sunnytears-fedex = 1st-class-delivery)
Wish me luck. I've been a good girl. According to the Karma-Vipaka theory, I should be able to overcome this. Amitahba.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Of Karma & Rebirth
Tonight my dad and I went for our first Buddhism seminar. It was a 2hr night talk + Q&A at Kong Meng San Phor Kark See Monastery, by australian Venerable Tenzin Palmo, on the topic of Karma & Rebirth.
Some take-home messages:
1) Karma is really our "action" (verbal/mental/physical); while Vipaka is the resulting "fruit" (consequence/reaction).
2) For every event that occurs, there will follow another event whose existence was caused by the first, and this second event will be pleasant or unpleasant depending on whether the cause of our past actions have been 'skilful' (without craving/resistance/delusions) or 'unskilful' (with craving/resistance/delusions) .
3) We are constantly creating new karma, moment by moment. Hence we are constantly shaping (and re-shaping) how our future is going to be.
4) There will always be rebirth. In all forms, throughout all realms.
5) ...
Dad & I (and mum too) respect all religions.
We do not believe in forcing any religion down anyone's throats (and minds), nor do we wish religion to be forced upon us. We believe simply in trying to live life as 'correctly' as we can (by not doing bad things), and letting the rest take care of themselves.
All religions set out to teach people to be good. As long as you find your peace in one, just carry on. Even if you are atheist, if you are a peaceful atheist who does good, I'd say just carry on too.
May all beings be well and happy.
Some take-home messages:
1) Karma is really our "action" (verbal/mental/physical); while Vipaka is the resulting "fruit" (consequence/reaction).
2) For every event that occurs, there will follow another event whose existence was caused by the first, and this second event will be pleasant or unpleasant depending on whether the cause of our past actions have been 'skilful' (without craving/resistance/delusions) or 'unskilful' (with craving/resistance/delusions) .
3) We are constantly creating new karma, moment by moment. Hence we are constantly shaping (and re-shaping) how our future is going to be.
4) There will always be rebirth. In all forms, throughout all realms.
5) ...
Dad & I (and mum too) respect all religions.
We do not believe in forcing any religion down anyone's throats (and minds), nor do we wish religion to be forced upon us. We believe simply in trying to live life as 'correctly' as we can (by not doing bad things), and letting the rest take care of themselves.
All religions set out to teach people to be good. As long as you find your peace in one, just carry on. Even if you are atheist, if you are a peaceful atheist who does good, I'd say just carry on too.
May all beings be well and happy.
Musicians in Flight
Woooish... Wheeeizz... De Poink De Poink...
My gosh. If you are free tomorrow (5/6/05) night at 8.30pm or 9.45pm, it may be a good idea to pop by the Esplanade. There is a whole series of fringe art performances going on there, and here I'd like to reccommend this particularly good one - The Shinzo Electric Stunt Orchestra!!
Happened to pass by tonight and was totally mesmerized by this 4-men band strumming their guitars, vioin & drums, & singing, ALL WHILE SUSPENDED IN AIR & DOING SOMERSAULTS! Talented, Passionate Stuntmen-Musicians!! How very very exciting & charming! Being also physically attractive was just the icing on an already yummy cake. Not to forget the all-important, agile & muscle-rippling background belayers who were energetically & elegantly scaling up & down the side poles, controlling the 'flight' & 'pattern formation' of these 4 men. It was such a treat, like a cirque du soleil + rock-jazz band hybrid. Mama Mia!
I am no high-class arty-farty connoisseur. I love this kinda performance art, much like I appreciate those who create music out of garbage bins & kitchen woks. Raw, intense & super engaging. I am sold.
Go catch it yourself. Remember to breathe when they do their mid-air turns & jumps. Then remember to wolf-whistle & clap very hard when it's all over. Bon Appetit!
My gosh. If you are free tomorrow (5/6/05) night at 8.30pm or 9.45pm, it may be a good idea to pop by the Esplanade. There is a whole series of fringe art performances going on there, and here I'd like to reccommend this particularly good one - The Shinzo Electric Stunt Orchestra!!
Happened to pass by tonight and was totally mesmerized by this 4-men band strumming their guitars, vioin & drums, & singing, ALL WHILE SUSPENDED IN AIR & DOING SOMERSAULTS! Talented, Passionate Stuntmen-Musicians!! How very very exciting & charming! Being also physically attractive was just the icing on an already yummy cake. Not to forget the all-important, agile & muscle-rippling background belayers who were energetically & elegantly scaling up & down the side poles, controlling the 'flight' & 'pattern formation' of these 4 men. It was such a treat, like a cirque du soleil + rock-jazz band hybrid. Mama Mia!
I am no high-class arty-farty connoisseur. I love this kinda performance art, much like I appreciate those who create music out of garbage bins & kitchen woks. Raw, intense & super engaging. I am sold.
Go catch it yourself. Remember to breathe when they do their mid-air turns & jumps. Then remember to wolf-whistle & clap very hard when it's all over. Bon Appetit!
Saturday, June 04, 2005
The Dummy's Guide To Happiness
After my last particularly raw entry, followed by an online absence of 3 days, i'm back.
Some of you noticed, and cared enough to drop a note/sms/email. Some of you noticed, but trusted enough in my own ability & strength to bounce back, hence save the note/sms/email. Some of you noticed, but did not care, afterall it's just some exaggerated, meaningless grouse to you. Others simply did not notice. But it's okay, it's alright. This is really what life is all about. We've all got our own lives to live, our own set of problems, our own list of priorities. At a particular time when our priorities and foci happen to align, we will be chums-of-the-century and each others' 24/7 hotlines. At other times, we are at best by-standers, silent observers who watch by the sidelines, spurred into action only by drastic, irreversible turn-of-events. Tragic.
Forgive me, I digress. I'm such a big gooey mess of contradiction-distraction-pessimism-scepticism these days, I sometimes can't think straight, or write straight. Tragic.
(At the rate I'm dispensing such negativity, I'd probably put off so many of you that soon, perhaps i'd be the only one reading my own blogs, & eventually, die a lonely spinster. Afterall, no one likes to hear/read about sad things all the time. But I'm not always such an unhappy, negative soul am I? Haha.)
Someone from some big organization got this from somewhere and decided to mass-mail it to its hordes of humble workers. I am no believer of any structured recipe to happiness. But in times of low, may this bring u (& me) some high. To Happiness. Cheers.
=====================================================================================
You can't be all things to all people.
You can't do all things at once.
You can't do all things equally well.
You can't do all things better than everyone else.
Your humanity is showing just like everyone else's.
So:
You have to find out who you are, and be that.
You have to decide what comes first, and do that.
You have to discover your strengths, and use them.
You have to learn not to compete with others,
Because no one else is in the contest of being you.
Then:
You will have learnt to accept your own uniqueness.
You will have learnt to set priorities and make decisions.
You will have learnt to live with your limitations.
You will have learnt to give yourself the respect that is due.
And you'll be a most vital mortal.
=====================================================================================
To being a happy mortal. Cheers once more.
With all my remaining love,
Sunnytears.
Some of you noticed, and cared enough to drop a note/sms/email. Some of you noticed, but trusted enough in my own ability & strength to bounce back, hence save the note/sms/email. Some of you noticed, but did not care, afterall it's just some exaggerated, meaningless grouse to you. Others simply did not notice. But it's okay, it's alright. This is really what life is all about. We've all got our own lives to live, our own set of problems, our own list of priorities. At a particular time when our priorities and foci happen to align, we will be chums-of-the-century and each others' 24/7 hotlines. At other times, we are at best by-standers, silent observers who watch by the sidelines, spurred into action only by drastic, irreversible turn-of-events. Tragic.
Forgive me, I digress. I'm such a big gooey mess of contradiction-distraction-pessimism-scepticism these days, I sometimes can't think straight, or write straight. Tragic.
(At the rate I'm dispensing such negativity, I'd probably put off so many of you that soon, perhaps i'd be the only one reading my own blogs, & eventually, die a lonely spinster. Afterall, no one likes to hear/read about sad things all the time. But I'm not always such an unhappy, negative soul am I? Haha.)
Someone from some big organization got this from somewhere and decided to mass-mail it to its hordes of humble workers. I am no believer of any structured recipe to happiness. But in times of low, may this bring u (& me) some high. To Happiness. Cheers.
=====================================================================================
You can't be all things to all people.
You can't do all things at once.
You can't do all things equally well.
You can't do all things better than everyone else.
Your humanity is showing just like everyone else's.
So:
You have to find out who you are, and be that.
You have to decide what comes first, and do that.
You have to discover your strengths, and use them.
You have to learn not to compete with others,
Because no one else is in the contest of being you.
Then:
You will have learnt to accept your own uniqueness.
You will have learnt to set priorities and make decisions.
You will have learnt to live with your limitations.
You will have learnt to give yourself the respect that is due.
And you'll be a most vital mortal.
=====================================================================================
To being a happy mortal. Cheers once more.
With all my remaining love,
Sunnytears.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
maybe... farewell.
I should probably stop deceiving myself. And stop deceiving you.
My mood is actually fluctuating so wildly within so short a period, I'm not sure how long I can carry on this way. I never used to be this way.
One minute I could be writing to you about soya milk, volleyball and underaged handsome musicians... the other minute I could be weeping buckets of silent tears in my room.
Perhaps starting this blog has been my own way of trying to convince myself that all can still be normal and that I can still have the capacity to think and talk about other issues. But one month and many blogs later, I feel that perhaps, all these have been a frivolous waste of time. It is ridiculous to think that life is, or can be, as simple as those entries that I typed and you read. Life is much more. And there are many things that words cannot tell.
Perhaps I should end my blog adventure here. Almost exactly one mth since I started. I should probably not lead myself or you on further. I'm simply wasting your time. Friends used to say I'm such a 'people's magnet' because I'm always 'bright-eyed' and 'full of positive energy'. But nowadays, close friends ask me to go tan more, they say I look a sickly white.
Part of me is dead. What do you expect?
My mood is actually fluctuating so wildly within so short a period, I'm not sure how long I can carry on this way. I never used to be this way.
One minute I could be writing to you about soya milk, volleyball and underaged handsome musicians... the other minute I could be weeping buckets of silent tears in my room.
Perhaps starting this blog has been my own way of trying to convince myself that all can still be normal and that I can still have the capacity to think and talk about other issues. But one month and many blogs later, I feel that perhaps, all these have been a frivolous waste of time. It is ridiculous to think that life is, or can be, as simple as those entries that I typed and you read. Life is much more. And there are many things that words cannot tell.
Perhaps I should end my blog adventure here. Almost exactly one mth since I started. I should probably not lead myself or you on further. I'm simply wasting your time. Friends used to say I'm such a 'people's magnet' because I'm always 'bright-eyed' and 'full of positive energy'. But nowadays, close friends ask me to go tan more, they say I look a sickly white.
Part of me is dead. What do you expect?
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